Biggest Relationship Issue Explained by an LMFT

The most common reason for couples to begin therapy is problematic communication. Over the years with countless couples opening up and sharing about their experiences I have found there are two major categories within this topic: conflict avoidance and toxic fighting.

Conflict avoidance may look like one or both partners avoiding discomfort by disengaging from communication, shutting down when they feel misunderstood, fleeing the scene when confrontation arises or completely detaching emotionally, physically, mentally, or sexually from the other in an attempt to protect themselves. If you have found yourself in a situation like this here’s what I’d encourage you to do. Ask yourself if you are the partner avoiding or being avoided. If you are the partner that is avoiding I’d guess you’ve often felt dismissed or as if people just don’t take your feelings seriously. If you are the partner being avoided it may be time to take a bird’s eye view at the ways in which you approach communication with your partner. Can you remember a time where they didn’t shut down? Is there a way you might be approaching them that could be seen as overly aggressive? Do you even notice when they disengage? The hard truth is: if you have found yourself in either position you are not going to make beneficial change and will consistently have the same problems. We have to find ways to increase a sense of safety and appropriate assertiveness that fosters an environment for closeness. This is a two way street! Remember you get out what you put in. If you put in silence, you’ll continue to feel misunderstood. If you put in aggression, you’ll continue to feel like you’re the only one in the room.

Toxic fighting can be displayed in a variety of ways but will always leave you feeling chaotic. It’s either constantly arguing to points where you have lost track of how many issues have been brought up or escalating hostility to character attacks on one another. Signs of toxic fighting might look like: yelling, cursing, name-calling, blame shifting, bringing up previous experiences that have been “resolved”, etc. This is never beneficial. One more time. I am a licensed marriage therapist that works with couples daily and I am telling you this type of fighting is never going to get you what you actually want. Most times there are deep rooted issues that provoke couples to fight in this way. With help from a therapist these feelings can be acknowledged and articulated better getting you more of what you really need. Toxic fighting is often people’s ineffective ways to getting their needs met in relationships. Creating connection, understanding and empathy in a relationship for your partner is the antidote to this style of miscommunication.

I often finding myself reminding clients that they LIKE their partner. Sometimes we fall victim to treating the people we are most comfortable with the worst. Remember why you keep them around and lean into that. ;)